How I Bought My Time Machine for a Pittance

I recently bought a new time machine. My old one was almost 12 years old and too small for my growing family. I figure I could have used it for another 12x12 years since I could go back in time and hide it in a cave and borrow someone else's to jump back, but that just gets to complicated. But my wife didn't want it to get all covered with moss and mold, so we began researching new models.

We decided to buy a Japanese Time Machine from the Time Gods company (I know, I don't like the name either - but they have the highest quality for the lowest price). After the test travel, my wife and I decided on the color and features. First I emailed and faxed bid requests from the half dozen closest dealers who had inventory of the particular model I was interested in. I gave them the specs, told them i was bidding out, when I would purchase, and when the bidding would close.

Then the quotes started rolling in. Most about the same. Some slightly less. I then shared the lowest bid and asked each to beat it. Strangely though, as the last few hours of the window closed, the closest dealer (at which we test drove a different color/trim machine) hadn't sent in his bid. So I called, and he made an offer US(2010) $100,000 less than any others.

Well, at this point I realize I should have asked why it was so much less, but as this was my first actual new time machine purchase (my previous was a hand me down from my very generous maternal progenitor of the first order) and I thought he just liked us. Well, upon the test travel of this particular machine, I noticed that the chronometer showed it had already traveled 1600 years. It turns out that this particular machine was what they call an "unwind" in the industry - the previous chrononauts lost much of their money in a horrendously chrono-immoral series of wagers placed on world series games in the late seventies. And such, they could make the payments on their financed Chronolocator-Xtreme 999.

This suited us fine - a nice compromise actually between the used machine (my preference) and the new (my wife's) - it even still had the new car smell and by all indications appeared the previous operator/owners had taken wonderful care of it.

I was able to haggle another $50,000 discount in the deal because of this surprise (and as we were paying in gold bars, we were getting a nice price anyways). I believe we ended up paying nearly what the dealership paid the manufacturers ("the true/real cost" - a good deal less than the "invoice price" and quite a bit less than the ridiculous "sticker price").

Signing of the documents took 14 arduous hours and at some time early in the following morning we were finished, I blurry eyed and racing heart, exhilarated by a good deal. I had the machine ferried to our private island a short time later.

Humorously, we haven't used it much yet. I'm not comfortable leaving it after a time translation in some random field in an uncivilized time (where Morlocks could molest it) without at least a force field or adamantium padlock. I also prefer to have a time positioning device (TPS) installed with a large screen--and also a camera showing the wormhole exit points on the event horizons--something I find quite invaluable for a safe and comfortable time trip.

While I am dying to pop panels and begin upgrading our chronomobile, we shall be employing a local outfit in the installation of these additions. Even though I feel the yearning desire, which I call the Doctor Sooper Smart (Who?) Itch, I am too nervous to do anything which might compromise the integrity of our new family TARDIS.

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