I'm Going Out on a Lemon... This Blog Makes You Uncomfortable

How I Bought My Time Machine for a Pittance

I recently bought a new time machine. My old one was almost 12 years old and too small for my growing family. I figure I could have used it for another 12x12 years since I could go back in time and hide it in a cave and borrow someone else's to jump back, but that just gets to complicated. But my wife didn't want it to get all covered with moss and mold, so we began researching new models.

We decided to buy a Japanese Time Machine from the Time Gods company (I know, I don't like the name either - but they have the highest quality for the lowest price). After the test travel, my wife and I decided on the color and features. First I emailed and faxed bid requests from the half dozen closest dealers who had inventory of the particular model I was interested in. I gave them the specs, told them i was bidding out, when I would purchase, and when the bidding would close.

Then the quotes started rolling in. Most about the same. Some slightly less. I then shared the lowest bid and asked each to beat it. Strangely though, as the last few hours of the window closed, the closest dealer (at which we test drove a different color/trim machine) hadn't sent in his bid. So I called, and he made an offer US(2010) $100,000 less than any others.

Well, at this point I realize I should have asked why it was so much less, but as this was my first actual new time machine purchase (my previous was a hand me down from my very generous maternal progenitor of the first order) and I thought he just liked us. Well, upon the test travel of this particular machine, I noticed that the chronometer showed it had already traveled 1600 years. It turns out that this particular machine was what they call an "unwind" in the industry - the previous chrononauts lost much of their money in a horrendously chrono-immoral series of wagers placed on world series games in the late seventies. And such, they could make the payments on their financed Chronolocator-Xtreme 999.

This suited us fine - a nice compromise actually between the used machine (my preference) and the new (my wife's) - it even still had the new car smell and by all indications appeared the previous operator/owners had taken wonderful care of it.

I was able to haggle another $50,000 discount in the deal because of this surprise (and as we were paying in gold bars, we were getting a nice price anyways). I believe we ended up paying nearly what the dealership paid the manufacturers ("the true/real cost" - a good deal less than the "invoice price" and quite a bit less than the ridiculous "sticker price").

Signing of the documents took 14 arduous hours and at some time early in the following morning we were finished, I blurry eyed and racing heart, exhilarated by a good deal. I had the machine ferried to our private island a short time later.

Humorously, we haven't used it much yet. I'm not comfortable leaving it after a time translation in some random field in an uncivilized time (where Morlocks could molest it) without at least a force field or adamantium padlock. I also prefer to have a time positioning device (TPS) installed with a large screen--and also a camera showing the wormhole exit points on the event horizons--something I find quite invaluable for a safe and comfortable time trip.

While I am dying to pop panels and begin upgrading our chronomobile, we shall be employing a local outfit in the installation of these additions. Even though I feel the yearning desire, which I call the Doctor Sooper Smart (Who?) Itch, I am too nervous to do anything which might compromise the integrity of our new family TARDIS.

Top 5 Most Embarrassing Moments #1

Top 5 Most Embarrassing Moments (at the time) from my teens:
  1. Using toilet paper/seat covers for party favors at best friends 18th birthday party (I was put in charge of the party favors/decorations by his mom)
  2. Making fun of immigrant in gym class.
  3. Asking 3 girls to go a date at the same time [something like: so, if anyone of you want to come, just make up your mind (fight it out amongst yourselves) and let me know].
  4. "Donating" my rat-tail-hair to freind's kitchen's bulletin board
  5. Having to wear shorts so short to school so that one could see my boxers poking out underneath (after having been told that my extremely long, dyed, stained, bleached out, cuttoff - these are looong cuttoffs, mind you -- levis a la Rancid, were not within dress code standards at my private high school) until proper pants could be delivered by my paterinitus-in-law.
Coming soon: Top 5 Most Embarrassing Moments (in retrospect) from my teens.

Reason #13 Why I'm Sooper Smart

I prefer to believe there is a primordial world deep under the earth's crust, rather than the much more rational fiery liquid core hotter than the surface of the sun.

What should I eat? Flowcharts Saving Lives!

This would have been extremely helpful to me years ago when I had very serious problems with the question "What should I eat?"  Now I just teleport food mass directly into my stomach, saving much time and hassle.

What To Eat - Cereal

What Should I Eat? Cereal Edition (Flowchart) from topcultured.com

An Unusual Food Tasting Article (My Kind Exactly)


I've eaten the Jelly Belly version of these "Buttered Popcorn" flavored confections and I can only confirm that it involved many evenings of partially chewed beans being spit out.  Actually one can create quite a few different "meals" out of Jelly Belly combinations (but that alas, must wait for a future post).

Reason #12 Why I'm Sooper Smart

I say extremely intelligend things like "like," "fuster cluck," "action items," and "functionable."

Returning Home From Dinner Last Night

Returning home from dinner last night our chauffeur commented on the irony of naming your bar "Buddha."  Yes, he is quite an observant chauffeur - he even noticed when we were being followed by my doppelganger nemesis, Dr. Stoopid - and took special maneuvers to evade him.

Syrian Tanker Truck, Saudi Arabian Jail

After I got run over by the tanker truck (driven by Syrians) in Saudi Arabia, I waited quietly in my Aston Martin DB9 (disguised as a Camry rental) until the authorities arrived.

The first police officer on the scene was a slim, twitchy guy who eyed
me like I was the devil. After exiting his vehicle, he approached
slowly, scanning me and then stopped and unbuckled his gun holster
before coming any closer. As he stood there his hand twitched over
his gun. If I made the slightest move he grasped the butt of the gun
and pulled it out a bit.

Fortunately, once I told his partner I was from "America" (against better judgement actually) he cooled down a bit. In broken English he asked, "Where in America?" I lied and in broken Arabic said, "California" upon which a he manifested an ear to ear grin and only wanted to shake my hand and practice saying "Hasta la vista, baby" and "I'll be back" afterward.

I did end up having to ride in the police cruiser back to the station... all the while not understanding anything they were saying and still wondering if I would be put in jail. Typically in this country the party which appears to have more money are at fault. A quick comparison of footwear was all they needed, my Dr. Martens were cleary indicative of my wealth when compared to the sandals on the other party. Thankfully my Saudi Citizen Chaperone / Liaison arrived to help before I was booked.

Reason #11 Why I'm Sooper Smart

I cuss like a filthy space sailor because: 1) I think it makes me sound hep, and 2) frankly, the profanities are profusely produced whenever I lose my temper.

Thai Version of the Sausage Egg McMuffin

Fried Spicy Thai Basil with Crispy Pork Skin is the closest t... on Twitpic

Links to the doctor's twitpic page

Reason #10 Why I'm Sooper Smart

On more occasions than I care to recall I've ingested my own vomitus.